Sirs:

Hey, remember all those models we were using all the way back in the 90s? You know, the ones of which we were so sure that we made all sorts of cocksure predictions and requested the creation of a totalitarian world government in everyone's best interests?

Well, those models were no good. Bad predictions. Really pretty sorry about that.

But now we have new models; much, much better models. And boy, are they good. We could've predicted the complete lack of warming over the last 15 years.

So, anyway, we're back with new models and new predictions. And we're much smarter than before. So, we'd like to resume that world government thing where we left off...

No honest,
Al Gore

Keepers of the heteronormative patriarchy

Anybody can be merely gay, but you need a theory — an ideology, a political philosophy — in order to have the kind of jargon that interprets your gayness in the context of oppression and social justice.

Oh, yeah. I went there. Because I'm special.

Rachel Maddow

Sirs:

Multiculturalism is the philosophy that says the grooming, trafficking and mass rape of underage white girls by Muslim gangs is not as bad as being thought Islamophobic.

Well, duh.

Allahu Akbar, kuffars,
Sheik Yerbouti

Hey,

Sitting around the refugee center the other day, we got to discussing food here. It's awful. It's not just the daily pasta with tomato sauce and eggs and bread (boring!), but there's no grubs and no caterpillars either. Some of us came here after a dangerous sea crossing up to four months ago. There's been plenty of time for the staff here to ask around and create a grocery list of real food.

So, a bunch of us went to complain and we got shot down. No way, the staff said. Well, as you can imagine, that didn't go over well so we started a protest about the inhumane living conditions. We were forced to block the street and start slashing tires.

These Italians must have the worst cuisine in the world. We're really looking forward to getting to the Netherlands or England, where the cuisine is much better.

Sam from Gambia

Sirs:

Ideologies aren't all that important. What’s important is psychology.

The Democratic constituency is just like a herd of cows. All you have to do is lay out enough silage and they come running. That’s why I became an operative working with Democrats. With Democrats all you have to do is make a lot of noise, lay out the hay, and be ready to use the ole cattle prod in case a few want to bolt the herd.

Eighty percent of the people who call themselves Democrats don’t have a clue as to political reality.

What amazes me is that you could take a group of people who are hard workers and convince them that they should support social programs that were the exact opposite of their own personal convictions. Put a little fear here and there and you can get people to vote any way you want.

The voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue than there were Republicans.

Truth is relative. Truth is what you can make the voter believe is the truth. If you’re smart enough, truth is what you make the voter think it is. That’s why I’m a Democrat. I can make the Democratic voters think whatever I want them to.

Respectfully,

James Carville

PS Fake? Perhaps, but accurate as all get out, baby.

Sirs:

Can we just enjoy Obama for a moment? Before the policy choices have to be weighed and the hard decisions have to be made, can we just take a month or two to contemplate him the way we might contemplate a painting by Vermeer or a guitar lick by the early-seventies Rolling Stones or a Peyton Manning pass or any other astounding, ecstatic human achievement? Because twenty years from now, we’re going to look back on this time as a glorious idyll in American politics, with a confident, intelligent, fascinating president riding the surge of his prodigious talents from triumph to triumph.

Regards,
Stephen Marche

PS Am I prescient or what?

PPS Ed is such an ankle-biter